Sample TOEFL Essay

This is a new idea I've had to help students prepare for the Written Section of the TOEFL by providing you with a sample essay. I hope to do this fairly regularly.

In my textbook once I get in online I plan do a lot of exercises on writing the essay and include more example essays including good ones, bad ones and so-so ones, but overall I think one of the biggest problems with the TOEFL Essay is that there are too many problems. Students don't know what to write about, how to organize it, what level of language to use, what the introduction and conclusion should look like. The best way to address all these problems is to show a sample essay and analyze it. That way you, the dear reader, can take away the lessons you need to learn.

Feel free to add your questions and comments. And your critiques. What do you think I did wrong? What could have been better?

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Sample Essay

This topic was taken from the Test of Written English Guide, Fifth Edition (c) 2004 by Educational Testing Services, pg. 23.

Supporters of technology say that it solves problems and makes life better. Opponents argue that technology creates new problems that may threaten or damage the quality of life. Using one or two examples, discuss both positions. Which view do you support? Why?

Technology is a fundamental part of our modern life. Every day we wake up to an alarm clock, shower by means of indoor plumbing, go to work in a car or subway train, work with a computer or tools and, in the evening we watch television until we fall asleep. It is simply impossible to imagine human life without tools and technology. On the surface it would appear that technology has improved our quality of life by providing more comfort, completing tasks more quickly, and increasing our capabilities. Unfortunately we rarely think deeply about the impacts on our quality of life. For example, technology does lead to a dependence on materials and processes that are damaging to the environment. However, in the end the benefits of technology in providing a high standard of living and solving serious problems outweigh the problems.

As I mentioned in the introduction, technology is inseperable from our standard of living. While we often think of technology as including only complicated electronic devices like TVs, radios, and computers, technology also refers to simpler manmade inventions such as paper. Compared to other writing materials like slate, bark, or papyrus, paper is cheap and easy to make, highly portable, long lasting and easy to write on. Bark and other natural materials are difficult to work with. Chalk on slate is not permanent. Papyrus is difficult to make. It also uses animal skins which can be better used for clothing. We know from history that there was an explosion in book production when paper was introduced to the Western world from China. Although the printing press was obviously a huge innovation in mass production of books, the existence of a cheap, easy-to-make material made the printing press possible. Paper improves our quality of life by preserving ideas from the past, allowing us to learn from people around the globe and to share our knowledge with future generations. In this way, paper has much in common with other technologies like the Internet, the television and the radio which all improve communication by making it faster, cheaper and more convenient.

On the other hand, paper is also an example of how technology can be damaging to the environment. Paper is made from wood pulp and that means cutting down trees. A lot of trees. Trees are essential to provide oxygen to our atmosphere, to protect smaller plants in the forest from the sun and to give food and shelter to animals. Forestry not only damages the forest ecosystem by removing trees, but also because lumberjacks enter forests with chainsaws, trucks and shelters. New highways are built in natural environments. All this human activity negatively affects the environment by killing plant life, scaring away animals and introducing pollution in the form of exhaust fumes and tarring chemicals. Similarly a lot of technology depends on energy, which in this day and age, means oil products. Oil wells are also dug in natural environments scarring the land. Burning oil pollutes the air and oil spills can cause immense damage to the water and the land.

Nonetheless, the benefits of technology far outweigh the costs. First, because the removal of technology from our lives would cause drastic harm to our lifestyle. Can you imagine your life without manmade tools? Second, because in the same way paper provided a cost-effective solution to the problem of transmitting information, someday technology will provide an efficent solution to the problems of pollution and environmental damage. There is no other way to solve these problems besides technology itself.

(588 words)

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Analysis

OK, I tried to write this in 30 minutes because that's the time you will have on the TOEFL. The key to this essay is following the instructions:
Provide one or two examples. I provided one example, paper.
Discuss both positions Talk about the good and bad points of technology not just the side you agree with
Give your own opinion and why This is probably where I fell down. I have a thesis statement and a conclusion that give my opinion that technology is good. But the conclusion introduces a new idea: technology will solve environmental problems. That should be more developed. Probably in the third paragraph I should talk about technological steps that are taken in the paper industry and oil industry to solve environmental issues. But 30 minutes is a short time.

Good points: The essay is clearly organized with an introduction, 1 paragraph on the positive side of tech and 1 one the negative side, then a conclusion.
There are only 2 spelling mistakes and they are hard words: Can you find the mistakes?
There is a mix of long and short sentences, formal and informal language, passive and active.
The example, paper, is developed in some detail. And it's clear why paper is good.
I follow all the instructions.
The essay stays on the topic is technology good or bad?
I chose one small part of the topic because otherwise I could write all day. In this case, I took one example of technology and developed it to cover the requirements. You won't have time to write everything you think so pick and choose.

So, how well can you write an essay? Write something up on this topic in 30 minutes and post it here in the comments. I'll give you some feedback.

Paid TOEFL Courses

Once upon a time, an education program in Kazakhstan hired me to develop a TOEFL prep course. The program was sending students to study abroad but a big obstacle was that even highly qualified and competitive students didn't have the TOEFL scores needed to get into top universities. I was brought in to design a school for preparing students for the TOEFL and to run that school.

Unfortunately a couple of things happened in my first few months on the job: First of all, there were disagreements about what kind of space to use and because rents are so high around here that became a major obstacle. Second, there were some serious structural changes in the organization and a lot of new managers being brought in meaning that the school project became less important that trying to get our main work done--sending students to study in foreign universities. Eventually the school project fell through and the powers-that-be thought I would be more useful as a liaison with American universities than an English teacher.

But before my job change, I had three months of sitting around doing next to nothing. In that time, I developed a TOEFL textbook to help students prepare. My idea was that it could be used as a framework for teachers or as an individual book. I worked pretty hard on it, putting together my experience teaching and developing materials at Kaplan with the best of TOEFL textbooks I used. It's now been edited by even more experience in the classroom.

I've always had it in the back of my head to do something with it. I would ideally like to make some money off of it since I've worked so hard on it. But I know there are a lot of free TOEFL resources on the Net and I know I am not a world famous teacher or brand name (yet!). So I ask you, gentle readers, if you are kind enough to answer:
1) Would you be willing to pay for a comprehensive online textbook with good test-like questions and practice from English Advantage?
2) If you would, how much would you be willing to pay?
3) Would you pay for a practice test but not for a textbook?
4) Would you prefer it to be all together or would it be better to offer it in modules?
5) What other courses or textbook subjects would you be willing to pay for? How much?
6) How do you usually pay for things online? Credit card? Paypal? E-checks? Other?

Thanks in advance for your input.

Scholarship Information Online

Came across a great site via Entrecard today that lists hundreds of scholarships and details about who is eligible and the details. Scholarship Information is a great resource although you do have to dig around to find scholarships that apply to you because the site really does seem to have every possible scholarship in the world. Some of you will remember that I had a few posts on scholarships but I soon gave it up because I really only know US based programs and ones that apply to the former Soviet Union. So Scholarship Information is picking up where I left off!

Fun with Business English

Most students who want to learn business English are interested in understanding technical terms and phrases like force majeure, marginal cost and vertical integration. However when they get in the meeting room with English speaking businessmen, they hear a lot of strange terms like getting everyone on board or thinking out of the box or synergy

Some of these new terms, sometimes called office speak are useful, but a lot of them are pretty silly especially when used by bosses who think that using a new word makes them a better manager! And any term is useless if the people you're talking to don't know what it means.

Check out BBC's 50 Most Hated Office-speak phrases. See if you can figure out what they all mean!


For your reference: getting everyone on board means ensuring that the whole company or team is happy with a new idea or project.
Thinking out of the box means to think in a new and creative way.
Synergy refers to putting two things together and getting more out of it than the individual parts. For example, a travel agent makes $100 000 a year and an airline company also makes $100 000. But if they merge, they can share clients and make $400 000 a year. More than they made individually.

Happy Bloomsday

June 16th is Bloomsday, a day of celebration of the works and life of James Joyce, the great Irish writer. The novel Ulysses takes place on one day, June 16th, in Dublin, and the hero is named Leopold Bloom hence the name Bloomsday.

There is an annual Bloomsday run in Dublin and a bike rally, as well as more serious events like lectures and seminars about his works, or readings from Ulysses. On the day itself, you can wake up and have Leopold Bloom's breakfast--the same as he had in the book--then follow his path through Dublin. It's a big party celebrating a literary genius and any American city with a large Irish population should have something going on so if you want to take part in the fun, look up 'Bloomsday' on the Internet.

Why is Ulysses celebrated as such a great novel? Primarily because it was the first great novel written in stream of consciousness which successfully combines all sorts of writerly gimmicks with interesting characters. However it is not for the lighthearted, who do not want to work as they read. As the title suggests, the book parallels Homer's Odyssey and many of the events and characters have analogies in Ulysses particularly in the chapter titles which are named after characters from the Odyssey.

If you dare, download Ulysses at Project Guternberg.

If You Think the Visa is Expensive, Check Your Phone Bill

A heads-up for international students, US Consulates are making people pay to call or email for information about visas, putting another obstacle in the way of students who want to come to the US.

According to Inside Higher Ed:

Chileans pay $14 total; in South Africa, expect to pay the equivalent of $11 for nine minutes of talk time. Citizens of Hong Kong and Macau fork over 10 Hong Kong dollars, or $1.28, a minute, and Italians 1.5 Euro ($2.36) for each 60-second cycle.

Brazilians by contrast pay a flat rate: 38 real, or about $23. In Japan, even sending an e-mail inquiring about the visa process costs money: 2129.43 yen, or about 20 bucks. ("Once we have responded to your inquiry we will not respond to any additional follow-up questions unless you pay for another email inquiry.")

Not surprisingly, students are upset. The fees to call are unexpected, unreasonably high, and in some cases hidden. Accompanied by calls to increase the fee for the student visa, it may in fact be affecting the image of the US as a place to study. Already the US has a bad reputation as unwelcoming to foreigners due to high visa fees, stringent security, and a difficult interview process. Other countries like Canada and Australia provide free information services.

For its part, the State Department says that it has outsourced handling calls about visas to outside companies in order to increase efficiency. By law, the State Department must recover the costs, hence the fees. High fees mean high quality. Some can claim that the fees are still unfair because there is little alternative to calling the consulate, forcing people to pay the fees.

Or could you read all the brilliant advice on this blog and never need to contact your local consulate.

Sometimes You Can't Hear Me, Because I'm In Parentheses

One of the interesting things I note when reading or translating Russian to English is that the use of parentheses is very different. In Russian it seems to the English speaker that parentheses are used absolutely randomly and what is more are used in formal contexts. So here are a few tips on using parentheses in English--with the Russian speaker writer in mind, but probably of use to everyone.

Use Parentheses Sparingly
Parenthesis are not should not be widely used in English.

Information in parenthesis should be, well parenthetical i.e. not central to the main idea of the sentence, but they should be relevant enough to include. That's the point of the title of this article which is a paraphrase of a Steven Wright joke--parentheses contain less important information. But if the information is completely irrelevant then don't use parenthesis; don't write it down in the first place!

For example, I read the following in a Russian scientific journal:

"Goal of Research: To reveal problematic issues regarding environmental protection in the Caspian Sea region (the only coastal area in Kazakhstan and one that is highly industrial)."

The fact that the Caspian Sea region is the only coastal area is very important, as is the fact that it is an industrial area. It is brought up many times in the article. So don't put it in parentheses, as if it was a side-note. Make it a separate clause or sentence:
The significance of the Caspian Sea region is that it is the only coastal region in landlocked Kazakhstan. It is also a highly industrial zone, making a environmental protection particularly important.

Later in the same article I saw a good use of parenthesis:

"Stages of Research: The primary phase of research was collecting material drawn from specialized literature, the Internet, and periodicals (primarily journals)."

It is not vitally important that the reader know that the periodicals used were mostly academic journals, but it is good to know. The author did not use news magazines for example. So that can go in parenthesis. Not important enough to warrant its own sentence, but important enough to leave in.

Using Parentheses to Qualify
In English, we use parenthesis to qualify or explain a word or term that we think some people will understand and some will not. For example:

Fill out the appropriate form (DS-2090 or I-190) in order to get a visa.
The parenthesis are used to specify which forms are needed.

In less formal contexts we might use a phrase:

Bob still has doubts about the deal (the Chrysler-Ford merger) and I agree.
Here I am specifying which deal, but I know the reader is familiar with the Chrysler-Ford merger so I don't need to go into much detail. Therefore a quick parenthetical works fine.

Note that parenthesis should not take just one word, unless it is a name: In Russian people often put synonyms or qualifiers in parentheses. For example:

They amended the driving law (policy) in Parliament today.
This wouldn't be correct in English. The word "policy" doesn't add anything since it's a close synonym of law. And putting one word in parenthesis just looks weird.
But if they said: They amended the driving law (Law 1723)., that's ok because the parenthetical gives specific information for people who want to look up the exact law.
Parenthesis to Give Details
In less formal contexts, like a letter to a friend or a short memo, we may use parentheses to go into detail about something we referred to briefly. The parentheses almost serve as a signal that you can ignore this bit if you aren't interested:

I went to work today and I had so much work since everyone is out (John's still sick, and Betty has something with her mother and Bob hasn't been here since God knows when).
In formal contexts this would not be permissible. Either spell it out or don't.

We also use parentheses to give our opinion or view on something, briefly.
John has been out sick since Wednesday (if he really is sick) so I have to work twice as hard.

Finally, parentheses in formal writing should not contain more than one sentences. Generally parentheses should contain a clause or a phrase, not even one whole sentence. If the idea is long or complicated enough that it needs a whole sentence, it probably is important enough that it should not be in parentheses.

Hope that helps. As always, put any questions, comments or critiques in the comments section.

Job Listings for Teachers

Doing some more experimenting here at English Advantage Blog to see what you readers like. So I registered a page of job listings for Teaching and ESL jobs at SimplyHired.com. Feel free to check it out if you're looking for a job or to add job listings if you're looking to hire a teacher or ESL Professional. Job listings are posted all over the web on the Simply Hired network--including MySpace Jobs and LinkedIn. So it's a great deal if you're looking for talent. And if you're job hunting, you know that serious companies are using the network.

I always appreciate comments on how you like the service. Does anything need to be changed? More categories of jobs? Fewer categories? New color scheme?

You can also subscribe directly to the teaching jobs feed and get jobs delivered straight to your feedreader.

A clever way to learn vocab

Online Picture Dictionary is an awesome idea. He takes vocab words from GRE word lists (ie big hard words) and posts example sentences, synonyms and a picture to help you understand and remember. It's a great way to learn vocab because it gives a context and a visual clue that is stored in your memory. The sentences are pretty clever and often funny--which makes it easy to learn.

Check it out. I do have one reservation though if you want to learn English from the site. Srikant's grammar is not 100% perfect. His English is obviously near-fluent and it's only a couple of mistakes. I'm not criticizing. He's dealing with complicated concepts and mistakes and typos happen--even on my blog (Gasp!), but as a student for the GRE or for general English you might look out a bit.

I would definitely recomend subscribing to the feed

Excuses That Don't Fly

One of the biggest problems foreign students have studying in America, is the seeming inflexibility of American professors. In my experience, particularly in comparison to professors and teachers in the former Soviet Union, rules in the US do not allow for exceptions for personal problems. It's quite a culture shock for many that US professors expect you to work out your problems and balance school and personal life. And if you are unable to meet a deadline or finish an assignment, that you accept any penalty and try harder the next time.

One particularly ridiculous example of why American professors hate excuses comes from Rate Your Students.
A student wrote into a professor asking the professor to raise his final grade for a class from a C to a C+. The student says that he got suspended from school for a year and a half because he "I made a prank call telling a friend that I saw a terrorist go into the administration building with rifles and guns. He ended up telling someone and the college did not take this lightly." Having missed a year and a half, he then was diagnosed with diabetes and found it hard to study and deal with the disease.

The professor is understandably unsympathetic in his planned response:

Dear Student,

I’ve tried to think of the most amusing way to deny your request, but you’ve given me so much to work with. Where to begin? Do I point out the inanity of asking for a grade change a year after the fact? Do I actually give you an extra credit assignment and let you complete it, knowing that even if I wanted to change your grade at this point I couldn’t? You see, you imply that you’ve graduated already (or at least “marched”), and I no longer teach at the college anyway. (How did you find me?)

But that’s too easy. I’d say no on the grounds that you faked a campus gunman incident, but that’s so obvious. Perhaps the abundance of typographical, spelling, and grammatical errors, which indicate that you probably shouldn’t have graduated from high school, are sufficient reasons not to boost your grade in a college class?

No, I’m being unfair. This is, as you mentioned, the only class you did poorly in. That you “marched” with a 1.99 GPA is certainly proof that you excelled in the bulk of your studies. And let’s not forget your unfortunate diagnosis of “diabetis.” I’d generally expect that someone diagnosed with such a serious disease, the same one that took a member of my family a few years ago, would know how to spell it, but let’s not get lost in minute details here.

No, I think the most enjoyable way to decline your tempting request is point out the flaws in the pathetically humorous logic that a .01 bump in your GPA will make all of your problems go away. No, my friend, a 2.00 GPA will not save you.

So if your teacher or prof seems suspicious of your excuses, think of how many lies and deceptions he's heard. And think of the student who has a real problem who has to face a jaded professor before you tell your next lie.